You know this. I am confident of that.
I know this.
But I need to be reminded every day. Actually, more frequently than that. I’d say about 4 or 5 times a day. Paul, remind me, what do I need to be reminded of?
I need to be reminded that as long as I am thinking that I won’t be happy until…you fill the gaps…(the weekend comes, that meeting is behind me, I see her/him again, that awkward chat has been completed, I’ve bought that book/dress/chocolate cake) I am predicting correctly. I have committed myself to unhappiness until then. But what about all the moments in between?
I may feel uncomfortable, now, sitting in the present, looking at the boring, waiting-room moments between now and happiness. I don’t want the unpleasant, trudging, unfulfilling, now moments to seep into me. So, I resist them. Recoil away from them like from a bad smell.
Holding my breath until a good bit can come along, I distract myself – buy some chocolate, mess about on Amazon or Facebook …take your pick.
Here’s the bit that surprises me …every time. There’s magic here. It’s so not-intuitive that each time I try it, I don’t believe it will work.
If I accept the boredom, frustration and angst feelings and welcome them warmly, inhale them and agree with them. “Yes, this is not how I want this moment …but I accept it, I welcome it, I will sit here in the hospital waiting room with this moment. I will not look out of the window to the future-hoped happiness, but will sit here, now. ” To the degree that I can embrace this (varies quite a bit – to be honest), to that degree, the tensions, boredom, frustration are relieved. I find some measure of peace and presence in the moment. Sometimes, the new groundedness brings with it a new energy, a kind of simple fullness.
The initial decision feels like deciding to drown, your natural faculties will resist it. Breathe, relax, do it anyway. There are a lot of moments between here and there.
And if you see me, remind me, will you?